I've got a case of the Mondays and it's Thursday.

Today is a beautiful Northwest day: big puffy, rain-filled clouds with sunshine brightly breaking through. It's a good time for a walk but all I can think about is getting some retail therapy. I just want to buy some new place mats for our table, I know that will make me feel better. Somehow, I think, those new, fashionable place mats will make me feel like I'm settled here. What I know in my heart is that I don't feel at home here, really. I want to blame it on the lack of sunshine but I think, honestly, I'm just bad at making new situations great. This new situation has lasted me four years and a baby. I thought that when I found the love of my life, had a home to call our own, a circle of friends, a baby, etc. I would feel settled. My heart is still in too many places. Plus, like I said before, I'm terrible at new situations. I'm not great at reaching out and in this place in my life, I HAVE to reach out. People will not come to my house or stop by to see how things are going. I'm not at work where I can find a support system nor do I have a church family where I can fully participate, yet. Taking classes to convert to Catholicism has been one of the first thing that really feels like my own journey and I'm doing it because my husband is Catholic! I want to be home with my sisters and my family. I want to be with my friends who have shared some of the best times in my life. I want to have that here and I don't. I want it so bad it hurts. I have the most beautiful family. I have a husband that supports me and all of my desires. I just want more. Today, I want more. For now, I'll stop ignoring my baby girl while she makes a mess of her lunch, eat some more vitamin D gummies and maybe go shopping, on the search for a false sense of purpose--I'm sure Target has just what I'm looking for.